Liam Hemsworth

Who cares if the name "Elena Lenina" makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah's does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu's home planet. If this is Elena's way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it's totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy's heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah's already got the lube.

And here's some others at tonight's premiere who obviously didn't get the memo that the theme of the night was "sex toy hair." In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.

Billy Ray Cyrus didn't write about Miley Cyrus' relationship with Liam Hemsworth in his new book Hillybilly Heart (that really is the name), because why give precious page space in his straight-to-the-clearance-shelf-at-Piggly-Wiggly memories to something that is going to end any second now? But Billy did tells Access Hollywood Live (via DS) about how Liam came to him and asked for his meal ticket's hand in marriage. Usually when an outsider asks for a hillbilly's daughter's hand, that hillbilly father will only allow it if it the outsider wins a naked wrestling match in a mud pit against a hog after downing two XXX jugs. Billy let Liam skip that challenge, but he did ask for something else.

"He didn't have to, but he did. He's got a really sweet side to him and he came in. They had the big rock. They [were] all bashful about it and then said, 'Hey, look at this'. And Miley was showing that ring and Liam kind of [said] a little something to me - it was kind of the professional question and I jokingly [said], 'Can I be in your brother's next movie?' And then I said, 'No, I'm joking'."

Billy Ray wasn't joking...... and that is why his mullet is going to play Mongoose in the next Thor movie.

Here's Billy Ray working the hell out of his Mrs. Brady season 2 hairstyle while leaving GMA yesterday.

On the back of his tire-less El Camino that's been parked on the front lawn of the Cyrus house for years, Billy Ray Cyrus is using wrappers from his Taco Party Pack to dry the chipmunk tears off of Miley Cyrus' face as she bawls into his moobs. Noah Cyrus has stopped working on the flower girl pole dance she planned to do on the altar and the Piggly Wiggly catering department has stopped catching possums for the reception buffet, because Miley's wedding to Liam Hemsworth is off!

A source tells Page Six that even though Miley screamed on Twitter about how her wedding is still happening,  it isn't. The hillbilly wedding of the year isn't off because Liam allegedly got frostbite on his dick from fucking January Jones. The wedding is off, because Miley, a 20-year-old, is partying too hard and Liam doesn't like it. Page Six's sores (Freudian typo and it stays) put it like this:

“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him. They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated. While Miley has insisted they are still together, right now they are very, very much apart."

Liam went off to Australia to be with his family and Miley's been running around L.A. without her hitchin' ring on her finger.

Liam just couldn't take Miley's partying ways? Liam's publicist is funny. The chipmunk Draco Malfoy is 20. That's what you do when you're 20. You get a fake ID (or if you're Miley, you just say "I'm Miley, let me in"), you party and you get as many Capital One credit cards as you can and you max them all out at the bar (or if you're Miley, you just use cash). Besides, I too would be deep throating a bong and cleansing my insides with moonshine if my dude was out sticking his tongue in every trick but me.

And if you're in Southern California, you better grab your Snuggie, because the temperatures are going to drop when the home wrecking icicle in a wig that is January Jones cackles into the air after hearing this news.

The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren't driving toward Liam Hemsworth's house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn't call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller's home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:

“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.' He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”

A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could've gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day, Lainey said in a blind item and in a post that Liam was flirting with Emma Watson at a pre-Oscar party and not January Jones.

Whatever the case may be, Miley isn't hearing any of that and she quit Twitter over all the useless noise filling her ears:

I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining

my new music is gonna shut everyone up.

not discussing anything but my music from now on.

Miley is right about her new music shutting everyone up, because it's kind of hard to talk shit when you're dry heaving while plugging your ear holes with your fingers.

I almost feel like this engagement was doomed from the beginning. Miley is only 20 and Liam is only 23 and they're both living the best years of their lives. What I mean by that is that they're at an age where they still have enough energy to be a huge whore.

And here's January Jonesingforyourman at the Miu Miu show in Paris today. This is what it would look like if Martian Girl from Mars Attack! was in a remake of Valley of the Dolls.

Miley Cyrus is sharpening her chipmunk teeth on a rock and Tish Cyrus is dipping her hooves in glue and glass, because they're coming for Liam Hemsworth that dick-stealing ice cold hussy harlot January Jones!

Miley's betrothed Liam Hemsworth went to a pre-Oscar party at Chateau Marmont on Saturday night and Star (via Radar) says that he was all over January Jones. Miley wasn't with him at the time or we'd probably be reading about how January was seen running down the driveway of Chateau Marmont as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth chipmunk chased after her.

A witness type says that party guests were all clutching their Tampax pearls while watching Liam and January get close. They weren't even trying to hide it and the witness said that they had some "hot chemistry." The witness type went on to say that they were all over each other and even kissed lips at one point.

At the end of the night, January and Liam got into the back seat of the same car and drove away together.

There are a million explanations for this. Maybe Miley and Liam broke up? Maybe Miley and Liam have one of those open relationship and she lets him dip his tongue in frozen twats and he lets her dip her tongue in twats? Maybe January Jones is a serious environmentalist and insists on carpooling to save money on gas? Maybe this eyewitness type was snorting that Lohan powder and had no idea what they were seeing, because it's kind of impossible for human icicle January Jones to have "hot" chemistry with anyone.

But then again, the magic phrase that opens up January's legs is, "You do know I have a fiancee (or wife), right?"

Since Sienna Miller is busy being a boring family woman now, somebody has to be Hollywood's premiere home wrecker and it might as well be January Jones.

Billy Ray Cyrus is about to throw all of his fresh-out-of-prison cousins, sewed-off rifles, coonhounds and knives made out of possum claws into the back of his pick-up truck and drive it all the way Atlanta so he can handle Liam Hemsworth for hurting his daughter's hillbilly heart. Because Radar says that at a party in Hollywood last week, Liam was "canoodling" and whispering into the ear of some hot blonde. Miley Cyrus wasn't around.

The witness says that Liam showed up to the party early and spent most of the night talking to the hot blonde in the back of the tent. Maybe Liam just wanted to remind himself what it's like to talk to a chick who doesn't sound like Harvey Fierstein hawking a loogie. The witness type said this:

“Liam was in the corner of the back tent with a blonde and they were getting very cozy. It definitely looked like they were behaving in a way that was more than just friendly. His friend/handler was trying to keep people away and allow Liam and his 'friend' some privacy, but Liam didn’t seem to be that worried about it.”

Wait, wait... A hot blonde who makes grown men giggle themselves into a coma? That wasn't Liam's lady side piece. That was his brother THOR!

That dumb bitch of an eyewitness! I bet the eyewitness also said that when the hot blonde flipped her mane, every light bulb burst and she sort of smelt like Strawberry Suave shampoo. Yeah, it was THOR, not some average slut. Pull your cousins out of the pick-up, Billy Ray. It was a false cheater alarm.

Pull out the special occasion shopping cart grill (aka the vintage one from Target and not the rusty Piggly Wiggly one), plump up the possums caught in the cage trap last night and stock up on Twinkies (the Twinkies are the penises of pastries) from the Hostess outlet to make a four-tier wedding cake, because the chipmunk princess of the Cyrus clan is getting hitched Gale from The Hunger Games and Thor's brother. As my hair icon Memaw Cyrus poured hillbilly champagne (aka moonshine mixed with Mountain Lightning) into the family's Solo cups (not because they were celebrating, but because that's just what they drink with supper), Miley Ray Cyrus told People that at 19 years old, she's about to become somebody's wife.

"I'm so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam," Cyrus, 19, tells PEOPLE.

Australian actor Hemsworth, 22, who met Cyrus when they costarred in The Last Song in 2009, proposed on May 31 with a 3.5-carat diamond ring from jeweler Neil Lane.

Liam Hemsworth is close to becoming a huge movie star so I'm not sure why he would sign up to spending every Christmas watching Noah Cyrus spin around on a candy cane stripper pole in the rec room to "Santa Baby" while Trace Cyrus nibbles on the tree in the corner. Doesn't Liam know that on his wedding night, Billy Ray is going to take him into the dark part of the barn to brand one of his ass cheeks with the Cyrus family crest (the mudflap girl breastfeeding a raccoon in front of the Nascar logo)? Why would he do this? Either we should be celebrating this engagement with a sawed off shotgun salute or Liam is just marrying Miley to get closer to the real beauty of the family: Memaw Cyrus. It has to be the latter.

The Cyrus family carport might soon be filled with a lavish spread fit for a hillbilly teen bride including a moonshine fountain, a three-tier dick cake, plastic red Solo champagne flutes, a Taco Wedding Party Pack, Dr. Pepper-glazed roasted possum, squirrel kabobs and pigs in a blanket (actual pigs in an actual blanket). Because the other day, Miley Cyrus started up the hitchin' rumors by Tweeting a picture of her wearing some Cracker Jack ass ring while showing off her jaundiced-looking yeast infection nails. Then last night in Phoenix, Miley wore the same ring on that finger while out with her piece Liam Hemsworth at Muhammad Ali's Celebrity Fight Night XVVIII in Phoenix.

That isn't an engagement ring, that shit is a LOOK AT ME, Y'ALL ring. First of all, Liam doesn't have bites and scratches on his face that tell us he just topless wrestled the Cyrus family's prized pig in the abandoned field behind a Piggly Wiggly to win Miley's hand in marriage. Second of all, Miley cares about Cyrus family traditions and if she was getting married she'd wear a ring that was passed down from generation to generation. And that ring doesn't look like the band part of a Ring Pop with a Vaseline-covered pond rock on top of it, so it's obviously not a Cyrus family heirloom. Nope not, engaged. Billy Ray still has a chance!

And yes, I'm mad that Miley looks like Peaches & Cream Barbie's backwoods cousin, Pork Rinds & Cool Whip Barbie.