MTV got Brad Pitt to the MTV Movie Awards last night by leaving a trail of weed buds from his front door to the Sony Pictures Studio in Los Angeles and they got him to present the last award by giving him a giant bowl of Taco Bell meat and Funyuns stew. Brad Pitt showed up to the MTV Movie Awards looking so damn stoned that I bet if you sucked his mouth while plugging his ear holes with your fingers, you'd breathe in a huge cloud of weed smoke. Dude is a human bong.
Brad pulled his greasy locks into a ponytail and I know I'm supposed to hate it, but I don't. I can't hate it, because bitch has lunch lady hair. Lunch lady hair is the look. If you threw a hairnet over his head, he'd look like he should be throwing down a greasy slice of square pizza on your pastel green lunch tray.
Brad Pitt also has the same hairstyle as this cholo grandpa who would ride around my cousin's neighborhood on a little boy's bicycle and he'd sing oldies at the top of his lungs. Brad Pitt's cholo grandpa look would be complete if he wore a clear shower cap, a gold cross necklace and had some kind of neck tattoo.
So what I'm saying is that Brad Pitt's lunch lady/cholo grandpa hair IS the look.
And here's also some pictures of St. Angie and an emo-ized Maddox at LAX.
Vivienne Jolie-Pitt was the clear frontrunner for the Best Act of Nepotism award at next year's Oscars, but now she's getting some competition from her fellow child army members, Zahara and Pax. Vivi Jolie-Pitt is playing a young Elle Fanning in Disney's Maleficent, and UsWeekly says that both Zahara and Pax also got to sashay past the peon children in the open call line, because they got roles too.
Some source says that Zahara and Pax both shot small parts in the movie and although they don't say any lines, Zahara will say everything she needs to say by busting out her signature up-eye of destruction. If Maleficent was nothing but 2 hours of Zahara giving us the up-eye in 3D IMAX, I'd probably pay $22 for that shit. Shiloh was also supposed to be in it, but on the day of shooting, she was bored, over it and not in the mood to make her long-awaited return to acting, so her look-alike Brad Pitt had to get on his knees to film her role for her.
When I was a kid, my sister and I used to make our own movies in the busted down wooden shack in our backyard using my mom's VHS camera, so the Jolie-Pitt kids are totally like us! But instead of using their mom's VHS camera, they used a 90 member crew and state-of-the-art equipment worth millions of dollars. And instead of filming it in the busted down wooden shack in their backyard, they filmed it on a set that took the crew four months to build. Just like us!
And I'm sure Maddox was offered a lead role a long time ago, but he can't be bothered with trivial crap like this. Maddox is letting the little ones have their cute time in the spotlight while he's off busy doing more important things like monitoring the hidden Beanie Baby cam he hid in Jennifer Aniston's play time nursery. Maddox wants to be watching when Jennifer Aniston closely examines her 500-carat diamond engagement ring and finds the words "This ring is really uncool, Jen" engraved in Khmer on the inside of the band.
As the Duggars prepare to enlist their 20th baby soldier, St. Angie Jo and Brad Pitt shuffled their boutique-sized child army through Tokyo's Haneda International Airport today. They're all there to boost the Japanese economy by buying toys and art supplies every single day while Brad does the promotion thing for that Moneyball movie. FYI: Brad is the big one wearing all black who looks like a living interpretive art piece of Jessica Biel wearing her beard.
Besides Cheer for Darks laundry detergent, the most used item in the Brangelina household is obviously a skinny comb for side parting their hair. A family that side parts together, stays together, I guess. Zahara and Maddox are the true vanguards here since they refuse to surrender to the side part. When they're all in front of the communional bathroom mirror, Maddox probably declares all of them sheep by "baaaahing" at them when they side part their hair as he cuts his bangs with scissors and a protractor.
As invisible prison bars surrounded them, Angie Jo, Shiloh Two, Shiloh Three, Maddox, Pax and Zahara caused a lukewarm commotion when they left a movie theater in London after watching Harry Potter. Yes, the living saints actually sat in a theater where regular people who don't piss out blessed holy water go. But don't worry, nobody was wished into Aniston's Cabbage Patch Doll collection after throwing Maddox an around-the-shoulder bitch eye when he kicked their seat. The holy family had the theater all to themselves. But still. Isn't Brangelina the most powerful entity on every face of this planet? Couldn't they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap! I guess that wasn't an option at their private prison's commissary.
While covering her bones in a grey (or "the lighter black" as Angie calls it) curtain panel so they don't get brittle and splinter in the sun, Angie Jolie shuffled Knox (in the lady bug costume), Vivienne (in the princess costume), Zahara, Shiloh, Maddox, Pax and (and enter the name of child I missed) out of a play park in Malta today. Brangelina and their child army is in Malta while Brad shoots World War Z.
You know, if there's one thing the child army knows it's the name and location of every damn toy store, play zone and park in every city of every country. The only time I see them is when they're leaving a toy store or going into a toy store. Pax's head might burp up a question mark when you ask him the full names of all ten million of his brothers and sisters, but if you asked him where you could find a toy store in Liechtenstein, he'd give you the coordinates and tell you to ask for Florian. Those kids are not playing around when it comes to playing around. They don't need an app for that!
In an interview with USA Today for that Tree of Life movie, Brad Pitt talks about how he and Angie Jo are staring at marriage together and he also said what grosses out his army of children. Surprisingly, it's not the sight of Angie nom nom nom-ing on the penis root of one of her past victims. It's also not the sight of Brad Pitt cutting a piece of his beard off to put in his bong after realizing that it's enriched with weed smoke. It's also not when Brad and Angie make them walk more than 50 steps on the sidewalk without being carried.
It's worse than all of that. Maddox & Co. let out a hurricane of high-pitched ewwws when Brad and Angie announce that they are going to go spend some time together in their kissing room. That makes all of us go ewwww. The chosen ones are just like us!
Here's a few quotes from Brad's interview including that one about Maddox gagging himself at the thought of his parents kissing.
On the paps always being up his family's culo: “We're hunted. Our kids have to live behind a gate. Outside, there are people with cameras. But I'll take the trade-off. I never knew I was capable of experiencing so much love.”
On if he and Angie will ever get married: “The kids ask about marriage. It's meaning more and more to them. So it's something we've got to look at.”
On how they're pretty much a trained traveling army: “On the road, we're a military mobile unit. The kids have got their stuff down to one backpack, and they're each responsible for their own bag. Mom does the packing; she's quite gifted at that. Puts in just what we need — nothing extra.”
On how his house sounds like such a tranquil and pleasant place to be: “Angie and I do everything we can to carve out some semblance of normalcy for them, to re-create the kinds of moments that were special for us. It's not unusual for the kids to be covered in paint. We have mud fights. It's chaos from morning until the lights go out, and sometimes after that.”
On that kissing thing: “There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.' They go, ‘Eww, gross!' But we demand it.”
Brad Pitt needs to stop with that "no secret" shit. When they say they are going off to kiss, they really mean that Brad is going to retreat into his hot boxin' room to make architecture models out of Popsicle sticks while Angie knife fights with her lesbian sex slaves in the chapel. That counts as a secret!
With Zahara, Maddox, Pax and the Chipmunk Rapunzel Triplets in tow, St. Angie and Brad Pitt floated through the streets of New Orleans this morning while surveying their land and waving at their loyal subjects. You can't tell from these pictures, but when the peons of Brangelina's kingdom weren't throwing imaginary petals of "Who gives a shit!," they were bowing their eyelids out of boredom. That is how much they love and worship the Church of BAMZSPKV (just add in a few more random letters in there if I missed one)!
St. Angie and Brad's subjects should really throw some styling advice their way, because DAMN!
Angie Jo looks like a legal secretary circa 1995 who changed into flip flops in her emerald green Tercel to buy more black pencil skirts in the funeral grandma section of a Robinson's May. And that hair part paired with that jacket makes Brad Pitt look like a slow mechanic who worked at his brother's shop for a quick minute before he got fired for rubbing his crotch and nibbling on the edge of a Styrofoam cup while staring at the lady customers in the waiting room.
Where is the suggestion box in the Church of BAMZKLJLJLK located, because I need to file a complaint about their wardrobe choices.
It took me a few blinks to figure out that this is 2-year-old Vivienne and not a shrunken Shiloh in the arms of St. Angie (that's going to be the name of Sarah McLachlan's follow-up to that "Arms of an Angel" song) at an airport in New Orleans yesterday. It didn't take me that long to figure out, because Vivi is obviously trying to figure out if she left her halo on their flying saint mobile and we all know that Shiloh's halo has already melted into a puddle of celestial locks on her head.
Seriously, Knox, Shiloh and Vivi could easily star in an all-chipmunk production of a musical based on the life of The Del Rubio Triplets, because they have the same face as each other! And because their pores naturally secrete sequins on command like The Del Rubio Triplets. Speaking of Shiloh, I don't know where she is in these pictures. My guess is that she's hiding in that bag.
And it would be illegal and unholy of me to exit this post without mentioning the side-eye action Maddox is throwing at somebody I don't evny. A side-eye that makes Jennifer Aniston reach for her Precious Moments hanging cross.
Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie running their own mini version of Work of Art over there, or something? You know Maddox loves saying each day: "I'm sorry, (enter the name of a toddler deity), but your work of art just didn't cut it for us." This is the second time this week that St. Angie has swept her kids into Lee's Art Shop in NYC. Something is going down! Yeah, yeah, we could say that they're just kids buying paint brushes and shit, but speculating is my life juice so that wouldn't work!
They are obviously buying supplies to finish working on the map that clearly dictates their world takeover plans. That's it. Zahara definitely has that "Prepare for my reign!" look on her face and that shifty Shiloh is overly excited about something. She could be excited about running home to sell her toof for MILLIONS on eBay (Who needs the cheap ass Toof Fairy when you've got eBay?), but I think it's more than that. That's not a Nutcracker jacket she's wearing, that's a takin' over the damn world jacket. Game over.
And Maddox is only smirkin' because he's letting the young ones have their time in the shine.