From The WHA? Files: Megan Fox And Michael Bay Are Reuniting For The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie (UPDATE)
On Michael Bay's driveway sits his freshly washed Ferrari and on Michael Bay's laptop lives a video file of Megan Fox washing his Ferrari AGAIN! Because Michael Bay announced on his website today that Megan Fox will star in a movie that he's producing. In case the memory box in your brain deleted this highly important information (which is 100% possible), Megan was fired from the Transformers movies, called Michael Bay a regular Hitler and said that working with him was about as wonderful as butt fucking herself with a porcupine that likes to bite. Michael Bay pretty much returned that sentiment and the crew of Transformers had a few (or a thousand) words for her. But I guess they sucked and made up, because Michael Bay cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and he announced the news like this:
TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family
The Family? So I guess that means Michael Bay is the father and you know he makes everybody call him daddy in a high-pitched voice.
Well, I guess the need to put Botox on the table will make you forget that you hate a douche. Get that check, Megan, I guess. Michael Bay didn't say who Megan Fox is playing, but it's kind of obvious that she's going to be April O'Neill, which confirms that this movie is going to be a grade A mess and should only be watched while under the influence of some mind-altering shit.
The only thing that will save this mess of a movie is if they get Vanilla Ice to recreate this masterpiece:
UPDATE: She's playing April O'Neill and that makes no sense. But hopefully they continue to make no sense and cast Courtney Stodden as Donatello.
And now for a memo from the desk of a douche...
Slapping the robot hand that feeds caviar and diamonds all started with Megan Fox who compared Michael Bay to Hitler and said a bunch of other ridiculous things about the movie franchise that made her millions of dollars. Then Shia LaDouche joined in on the Transformers hate. Then the other day, Hugo Weaving, who was the voice of Megatron, told Collider that the Transformers job was completely meaningless and was just a check. Here's a piece of what Hugo said:
That’s a weird job for me because it honestly was a two-hour voice job, initially. I was doing a play and I actually didn’t have time, anyway. It was one of the only things I’ve ever done where I had no knowledge of it, I didn’t care about it, I didn’t think about it. They wanted me to do it. In one way, I regret that bit. I don’t regret doing it, but I very rarely do something if it’s meaningless. It was meaningless to me, honestly. I don’t mean that in any nasty way. I did it. It was a two-hour voice job, while I was doing other things. Of course, it’s a massive film that’s made masses of money. I just happened to be the voice of one of the iconic villainous characters. But, my link to that and to Michael Bay is so minimal. I have never met him. I was never on set. I’ve seen his face on Skype. I know nothing about him, really. I just went in and did it.
I don't think what Hugo said is that bad. Hugo's basically saying a check is a check, but Michael Bay didn't like it at all. Michael Bay took a little time out from masturbating with nitroglycol on a stick of dynamite to write an open letter (which his ass has since deleted) to whiners like Shia, Megan and Hugo who are crying about having a job that pays a crap load.
Do you ever get sick of actors that make $15 million a picture, or even $200,000 for voiceover work that took a brisk one hour and 43 minutes to complete, and then complain about their jobs?
With all the problems facing our world today, do these grumbling thespians really think people reading the news actually care about trivial complaints that their job wasn’t “artistic enough” or “fulfilling enough”? [...] What happened to people who had integrity, who did a job, got paid for their hard work, and just smiled afterward? Be happy you even have a job — let alone a job that pays you more than 98% of the people in America.
I have a wonderful idea for all those whiners: They can give their “unhappy job money” to a wonderful Elephant Rescue. It’s the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust in Africa. I will match the funds they donate.
Hugo Weaving was Mitzi Del Bra, so he usually can do no wrong, but I hate him, Megan and Shia right now for making me agree with a pea-headed twat who thinks it's okay to wear an all-white, cotton and linen ensemble out in public. Can somebody please tell Michael Bay that wearing an outfit like that is only okay if you're a waiter at Diddy's white party, a Caribbean nurse or an orderly at a gay mental hospital. I hate them all for making me agree with Michael Bay.
That said, Michael needs to fist himself in the mouth for acting like he cares elephants. I'm sure that seconds after he finished watching Dumbo for the first time, he thought to himself that it would've been so much better if Dumbo exploded at the end.