On Wednesday's episode of the broke down version of The View known as The Talk, the hosts brought up the rumors that Janet Jackson and Paris Jackson got into a slap slap slappity fight right there on the driveway of Katherine Jackson's house. Paris Jackson already denied that hands went flying, but the hosts of The Talk still brought it up. The show's guest Gladys Knight made it clear that if Paris Jackson served her some lip, that little girl would be on the next Midnight Train to Whoop Ass. They'd have to call in an ambulance, a dentist, an orthodontist, a denture maker and a professional who specializes in gum transplants, because Paris Jackson would be picking her teefs up from off the ground. Gladys explained herself like this:
"It’s drama, that’s what it is. If you lived up under the microscope as this family does, everybody has dysfunctionality in their families, either one way or the other. See, I’m from the south and was raised in that southern way. You have to understand Paris is what, 14? How old is Janet? Who’s the one who tries to direct the other one here? And I would think that it’s a good thing she lets Paris know who she is. She is a Jackson, she shouldn’t be putting the business out there like that. Cause people read into whatever they want to read into, that’s how they get the drama. So, she’s just trying to protect her, in a way. But if she called me that, she wouldn’t have any teeth...You respect your elders."
That raspy whistling sound you hear is Joe Jackson swooning through his gross bull dog nostrils over Gladys' words. As soon as he composes himself, I'm sure he'll say, "An ass whooper after my own heart." If this is Gladys' way of trying to get Joe Jackson to ask her out on a romantic date where they'll pick out switches together, it's totally going to work.
Here's the video of Gladys saying it:
While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie's daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News' cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I've ever seen.
A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn't want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here's a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn't write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:
Hello, I'm Katherine Jackson, and there are rumors going around about me that I have been kidnapped and held against my will.
I am here today to let everybody know that I am fine and I am here with my children, and my children would never do a thing to me like that, holding me against my will. It's very stupid for people to think that.
But anyway, I am devastated that while I've been away, that my children, my grandchildren, have been taken away from me, and I'm coming home to see about that, also.
So I spoke to my grandson, TJ, last night, that I left there to be in charge of my children -- and I never leave home without leaving them with instructions of who to stay there with them, the nanny and all of them -- and someone had let go the cook, the nanny, and also the housekeepers. I don't know who did that but they don't have that power and they shouldn't have done it.
And now, the people are saying they are there with nothing to eat. I am sure they have something to eat but it's probably not healthy because the cook is not there.
But since I have also been away, my guardianship, which I just said, my children, have been taken away from me, my guardianship has been taken away from me. And, but, I spoke to my grandson TJ and also I spoke to Prince and Paris last night and told him I would be home today and they're waiting for me to come.
And I told him it wasn't necessary for him to go down and sign for guardianship. ... I don't know who instructed him to do that -- but that's what, but he wanted me to come home before that happened, but the ruling in court today was about the guardianship and I think it was based on a bunch of lies, but I have a good idea who's doing that and who's behind that.
But I am grateful for my children that they saw that I needed rest and they wanted to take me away for a while, just a short vacation and rest up. But one thing I have to say ... that I'm here at Miraval. They have taken good care of me and have made sure that I got the rest that I needed.
One reason I haven't called is I just gave up my phone and I didn't want to have any phone calls while I was here.
That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I'm legally required to take care of and didn't tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they're still breathing, that's me trying to get them taken away from me so I don't have to deal with their asses. I wouldn't be devastated, I'd be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I'm staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes.
I can't blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson's Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That's almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig.
Both TMZ and Radar are saying that Operation: Keep Grandma Away has been called off and Katherine Jackson is making her way back to Calabasas, CA from Arizona to hopefully line everyone up and slap the shit out of them for screwing with her spa vacation. Randy Jackson, the leader of the scheme to take over Michael Jackson's estate, went on GMA this morning to say that Katherine has talked to Paris, Blanket and Prince and told them she's coming back home.
TMZ claims that Randy, Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie and Tito (who has since dropped out of the scheme) came up with a diabolical plan to kick the executors of MJ's estate off their thrones and take over. Part of their plan was to get Katherine Jackson out of the way first by kidnapping her and moving her to a resort in Arizona with zero cell phone service and zero access to a computer and phone. When they completed that mission, their next mission was to get Paris, Prince and Duvet to Arizona too. But Paris wasn't going to be a part of their shady schemes and got into a slap fight with Aunt Janet (Paris later denied that slaps were thrown). Their plot really started to crumble like Bubbles emotions after he finds out about this shit when Tito's son TJ Jackson started to make plans to file for temporary guardianship of MJ's kids.
Radar says that after TJ made it clear he's going to court this morning to ask for guardianship, Janet and Jermaine flew to Arizona to bring Katherine Jackson back to L.A. so she can fight to stay on as the kids' legal caretaker.
Randy went on Al Sharpton's MSN show last night and said that he believes the executors are evil con artists who faked Michael Jackson's will and are up to no good. But one of TMZ's sources say that Randy and the others are only trying to get control of MJ's estate, because once Katherine Jackson hits the elevator button marked "heaven," all the money will go to his kids and his siblings won't get shit.
The only thing I have to say about the current state of this novella mess is: Where are the reality shows cameras when we really, really need them, because I really want to see the face Katherine Jackson made when she said, "You interrupted my oatmeal facial for this shit?!"
UPDATE: The court just suspended Grandma Katherine's guardianship and made TJ temporary guardian. TJ is going for permanent guardianship now. Okay, so does that mean Katherine Jackson can go back to the spa to finish her damn oatmeal facial?!
TMZ says that this picture was taken outside of the Jackson family compound in Calabasas, CA and shows Janet Jackson screaming some shit at Jermaine Jackson after the cops showed up to the house. If you put your ear to that picture, you can almost hear Janet screaming, "No, my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet!"
The L.A. County Sheriff's department showed up to the house yesterday, because one unnamed Jackson accused another unnamed Jackson of whoopin' their ass. Oh, it was probably just Killer Joe Jackson whipping another Jackson in the mouth with his belt for not passing the remote control fast enough... or for looking at him funny... or for not having his money on time... or for speaking without permission...or for being one of his kids. You know how Joe is. TMZ doesn't say which Jacksons were involved, but the fight could've been because of the Jackson family's latest messy situation.
Janet, Jermaine, Randy and two other Jackson kids are trying to unseat the current executors of Michael Jackson's estate. They sent a letter asking the executors to kindly suck on a cold asshole as they exit stage left. Michael Jackson didn't even leave his brothers and sisters a drop of Jesus Juice in his will, so some say they're trying to get their claws on that money. One of Radar's sources said this:
"Katherine is currently in Arizona with Rebbie and is being pressured by Randy and Jermaine to go public with her dissatisfaction with the executors of Michael's estate. Remember, Michael intentionally left all of his siblings out of his will, and that absolutely infuriates Jermaine and Randy who are both desperate for cash.
Katherine actually dropped her contesting of the will at the behest of these same children who got her to fire Burt Levitch, a lawyer who was challenging the will, and hire Adam Streisand, a lawyer who immediately withdrew the objections and let all time delays run. These are the very same kids, along with Janet, who signed a letter recently criticizing advisors and her current counsel, Perry Sanders, for NOT challenging the will. They themselves were responsible for dropping the prior challenge and letting crucial deadlines run long before Sanders was hired. Not only do they refuse to take responsibility for having the initial challenge dropped, they now want to rewrite history and act as if someone new is causing the problem. However, the children are in her ear 24/7, so it's possible that they could be successful in influencing Katherine to do something.
The siblings' motivation for this very public battle with the executors is all about money, that is all. They are determined to do whatever it takes to try and gain access to the money."
This is the reason why Katherine Jackson is hiding out in Arizona, and the executors of MJ's estate believe the kids moved her there to brainwash her against them. It gets even MORE dramatic and I swear it's like Oliver Stone is directing the latest Jackson family disaster.
Katherine Jackson's lawyer issued a statement to TMZ this morning claiming that for the past 3 years, several of her kids have been concocting a "diabolical plan" (cut to Detective La Toya raising her monocle to her eye) to push her and her grandchildren out of their Calabasas mansion. The statement is long and it's best if you read it in the mysterious yet soothing voice of Keith Morrison.
"Yesterday afternoon certain Jackson family members ambushed Katherine Jackson’s home after their vehicle tore through security gates on the tails of the SUV containing Michael Jackson’s children. After exiting their vehicles, Jackson family members ran up to Michael’s children as they yelled and began to aggressively grab at the cell phones in their hands. Out of concern for the well being of Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, the children were forced to temporarily leave their home and taken to a safe location. An altercation ensued shortly thereafter and law enforcement arrived at the scene.
Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson have not heard from their grandmother since she left their home nine days ago to attend a series of her sons’ concerts on their Unity Tour. She never made the shows. Despite efforts to interview Katherine Jackson at her current location in Arizona yesterday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs confirmed that they were denied access to Mrs. Jackson by security for one of her children. We are acutely concerned about the welfare of Mrs. Jackson, and most particularly with Michael's minor children.
We are concerned that we do what we can to protect them from undue influences, bullying, greed, and other unfortunate circumstances. While we do not have standing to directly intervene, we have monitored the situation and will continue to do so. We believe measures are being put in place that will help protect them from what they are having to deal with."
And here's some video from GMA this morning of Janet and
Jermaine Randy getting crazy at the house:
Crashing through gates? Snatching cell phones from children? Isn't that a mission on Grand Theft Auto: Calabasas? Why are these bitches so crazy? Why are these bitches so dramatic? Don't get me wrong, I love a bitch who can concoct a good diabolical plan, but if Randy and Jermaine spent as much time on actually working as they have on concocting diabolical plans, their careers might not be floating on a lake of toilet water. Is it really that serious? Can't they just stop the crazy, join hands and sing Heal the World together?
Seriously, Snuggie Jackson deserves better than this.
It seems like every month some magazine is stripping the coats of lacquer off of the faces of celebrities and semi-celebrities to show regular women that these famous hos look just like you in their natural states, and this time it was People's turn. People (via Jezebel & Buzzfeed) gave the face painter the day off and took pictures of Zooey Deschanel, Paris Jackson (below), Megan Draper from Mad Men (below), Lily Collins (below), Sandra Lee (I need that picture on my eyeballs NOW), Rose Byrne, Paula Patton and Julie Bowen. The SANS FARDS portrait everyone is talking about is Zooey Deschanel's, because most of us didn't think it was possible for her to remove the doll lashes or scrub away the pink rouge that is splattered on her cheeks to look like somebody pinched her for being so adorkable. Zooey kind of looks like she just got up from her 4th hangover nap of the day. It's kind of weird seeing Zooey look like a grown woman and not like a Kewpie Doll in a brown Holly Hobbie wig.
And Paris Jackson, really? Not only is Michael Jackson moonwalking in his grave (bitch don't roll) over his daughter being photographed without a butterfly mask on her face, but of course she looks SANS FARDS. She's 14! Paris will give us National Geographic cover realness with or without a face full of MAC.
Because Lindsay Lohan is allergic to being somewhat fucking responsible, she missed her flight to L.A. and had to skip her appearance on Ellen yesterday. So Ellen needed someone to fill in for that freckled tornado of dumb and they asked Paris Jackson of all people. Paris Jackson was on there to promote being Paris Jackson, I guess, because she mostly just talked about her father, her life with her father and her life now. I think I've said this before, but Paris Jackson seems very normal and well-adjusted, which is surprising since she comes from one of America's first families of crazy. Maybe Auntie La Toya gave her some priceless advice by telling her to let the crazy simmer for a while and then let it explode when she turns 17.
Here's what Paris had to say about feeling stupid while wearing those disguises and other things:
On those masks: "Yeah, I'm like, 'This is stupid; why am I wearing a mask?' But I kind of realized the older I got, like, he only tried to protect us and he'd explain that to us, too."
On leaving homeschool for a regular school: "I love it. It's definitely a different experience. ... I do have like a regular childhood. I mean, I'm treated the same. When I came to Buckley (her school) they didn't know who I was. I was like, 'Yes, I have a chance to be normal.' "
On how Michael Jackson talk her how to act: "We would do improv together. He would give us little scenarios. He would (say), 'OK, in this scene you're going to cry' and I'd cry on the spot."
On the most memorable thing he ever said to her: "He said, 'If I die tomorrow always remember what I told you.' I took his advice and I remembered everything he told me."
See. Kind of normal. Not once did she talk about how Auntie La Toya drags her to Bubbles' sanctuary and makes her act out scenes from the "Leave Me Alone" video to relive the glory of the old days. Maybe Paris is saving that for the tell-all. Speaking of, it sort of pisses me off when children of celebrities go on talk shows to talk about their lives as celebrity children. Save those stories for the tell-all! You're not supposed to give everything away for free. Haven't we learned anything from Christina Crawford? Put it all in a tell-all and then maybe Faye Dunaway will play your parent in the movie. If Suri starts giving interviews to Diane Sawyer before her tell-all comes out, I'll never forgive her.