Rehab

For the next few weeks, The Betty Ford Center will be known as the halfway house for Charlie Sheen's down-and-out hos, because two members of his crackubine harem are drying out in there.

After Brooke Mueller's twins were taken out of her home and given to Denise Richards, she checked herself into rehab to deal with an addiction to prescription pills (that's what her rep, yes she has one, says anyway). TMZ says that Brooke is trying to get clean in Betty Ford, the same place where Lindsay Lohan is staying for the next few weeks (or until she drives every member of the staff crazy and they become crackheads themselves and set her free).

TMZ's source says that Brooke and LiLo are staying in the hospital wing of Betty Ford and have already bumped into each other. I think the source meant "did bumps together," but I'm not sure.

This could end one of two ways: Brooke and LiLo could join forces, rally up the other patients, raid the locked medicine cabinet and burn Betty Ford's legacy down to the ground. It'd sort of be like Crackhead of the Flies. Or maybe Brooke and LiLo will look at each other's methed-out faces and think to themselves, "Gross, I don't want to be THAT messy," and sober up. If that happens, the Southern California drug industry will be on the verge of collapsing and sad Charlie Sheen will miserably walk the streets while holding a sign that reads, "Save the Coke Industry! Snort A Line Today!"

Seen above doing an impersonation of Jackie Stallone looking at the stars or Homer Simpson trying to bite at a donut on a string, Clint Eastwood's wife Dina Eastwood has checked into a rehab facility in Arizona to deal a severe case of the sads and a severe case of the worries. This is just further proof that doing a reality show will screw with your brains and emotions.

TMZ says that the star of E!'s Mrs. Eastwood & Company is in rehab to get treated for depression and anxiety, and she doesn't have any issues with drugs or booze. Clint's rep had nothing to say about this.

Clint's rep doesn't need to say anything, because everyone knows what's really going on. Walking in on Clint canoodling, humping and having intimate conversations with his empty chair finally drove Dina Eastwood to the edge. It's hard enough dealing with the wooden whore who is ruining your marriage, but it's extra hard when you have to sit on that wooden whore to eat dinner at the table every night.

Here's Clint and Dina at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Gala in 2009.

Here's Lindsay Lohan at JFK last night where she was getting on a plane to L.A. for the Scary Movie 5 premiere tonight and Coachella this weekend. While LiLo chased her liver around because it dropped out of her ass after hearing that she's going to Coochella tomorrow, her beloved father Michael Lohan called TMZ because he hasn't gotten attention for a few seconds.

Michael Lohan graduated from the same fancy rehab in the Hamptons where LiLo is going for 90 days, so TMZ asked him about the place and also asked him if he thinks she's going to jump back on the bad shit as soon as she gets out. Michael basically said that LiLo will probably fail rehab the same way he failed at parenting.

Michael Lohan on if LiLo will have a hard time quitting cigarettes since the place is a smoke-free zone: She's battling with drugs, pills and cocaine, so imagine coming off of cigarettes too. Not to mention that she has to detox once she gets in there and that's really tough.

Michael Lohan on if LiLo will have a permanent seat on the wagon after rehab: I'm praying to God she will, to be honest with you. Honestly, I hope so, but I don't think so.

Michael Lohan on LiLo going to Coachella this weekend: I think it is one of the worst idea she could've ever had.

We should all hope that rehab works and LiLo becomes a responsible, sane and law-abiding citizen of humanity who doesn't fuck up every second of the day. Because if that happens, then the mutated ass dingle that is Michael Lohan won't have anything to talk to the media about anymore.

I love it when a dude in a v-neck says everything with a downward side-eye so I don't have to.

Lindsay Lohan is going to start drying out on May 1st and since TMZ knows every detail of every single part of her life, they know where she's going to rehab. They say that even though LiLo's tiny little lawyer Mark Heller is telling the media that she hasn't made a decision about where she's going to rehab, she has made a decision and she's checking into the Seafield Center in Westhampton Beach, NY.

TMZ says that lockdown rehab for non-criminals only exists in the fairy land in Mark Heller's mind, but the Seafield Center is sort of close to being a lockdown rehab. Seafield has cameras everywhere and there's staff always at the front door, so if she leaves, they can't stop her, but they will call the police. Leaving rehab will violate her sentence and she'll be thrown in jail immediately (uh huh). Prosecutors apparently signed off on the place and are okay with it.

The Seafield Center's max program is 28 days long, but the center's administrator put together a special 90-day program just for LiLo. LiLo's total stay will cost her over $51k and she isn't allowed to smoke cigs, use a cell phone or dress slutty. I'm surprised the last one wasn't a deal breaker for her.

The chances of me not crying in my bed while hugging an empty bag of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies at least one time this week are greater than Lindsay Lohan actually spending all 90 days in that place. Bitch is going to break out of there 5 minutes after checking in. But I don't know why she would want to leave. Spending 3 months in a luxurious spa in the Hamptons sounds like a prize you'd get on The Price is Right. What Lindsay Lohan should do is get one of us is to put on a water-damaged leather orange mask and a ginger wig and pretend to be her while we hang out in a luxurious resort for 90 days! Then she can put on an Amanda Bynes mask and continue to be a mess all through NYC. It's a plan!

And in other LiLo news, Radar says that LiLo's friend Claus Hjelmbak planned to stage an intervention on her and he asked Liza Minnelli to help him. Liza's rep confirmed that he asked her and said that she couldn't do it, because she was on tour in South America. I don't know if Liza would've helped, but at least she would've busted out a whole lot of jazz hands and high kicks and made it the best intervention ever.

Out of all the cast members from Glee, I'd figure that Lea Michele would be the one to announce that she's checking herself into rehab on a Sunday night since she's always high on herself. But no, Lea's real-life and TV boyfriend Cory Monteith checked into rehab and last night he released a statement through his rep to People saying that he needs to press pause on everything else and deal with a substance addiction right now.

"Cory Monteith has voluntarily admitted himself into a treatment facility for substance addiction. He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery."

30-year-old Cory (I know, I didn't know he was 30 either. He's the Gabrielle Carteris of Glee) first went to rehab when he was 19 after his family staged an intervention. Cory said before that he was addicted to booze and pretty much snorted and smoked everything else. When Cory got out of rehab the first time, he went straight back to the bottle and kept drinking until he got caught stealing a bunch of money from a relative. That was the bottom under Cory's rock bottom and after that, he cleaned up, got a job as a roofer, took acting classes and now he's on Glee.

A quick minute after Cory released his statement, Lea released her own, "I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this. I am grateful and proud he made this decision."

And I don't know if Cory's going to feel weird or relieved when he's in rehab and realizes that not everybody around him is suddenly breaking into song and changing costumes. It's probably going to make him feel weird. This is why we need all-singing rehab.

Although, I don't think Tara Reid's ass was ever on the wagon. Shit, I don't even think she's searched Travelocity for a wagon ticket.

The original Lohan was drunk on Wednesday night and left Emerson Nightclub looking dozed off, broke off and fifty shades of fucked up. If you put her on a sofa and scattered Funyun crumbs all over her, she'd look exactly like me on a Sunday afternoon. The Daily Mail has pictures of Tara Reid walking around the streets barefoot. I don't know who Hazmat should visit first, her feets or the pavement. Apparently, Tara Reid gets barefoot drunk on the regular (DUH) and her friends are telling Radar that they're worried about her. They want her to go to rehab again. One source said this:

“Last night’s episode at the Emerson wasn’t a one off. Only a few weeks ago, Tara was sat at a VIP table next to the DJ slurring her words, unsteady on her feet and propped up on a friend’s shoulder most of the night. Everyone’s really concerned for her right now and we’ve all told her that she needs to calm down with the partying.

The way Tara’s behaving at the moment, she’s going to have to head back to rehab for treatment if she doesn’t get a grip on things — and more than a few pals have told her that, but she’s just ignoring everyone and continuing to do her thing. So, for now, all we can do is keep a close eye on her, see how she is and hope that she’s just going through a phase, and she’ll come to her senses again soon enough. It’s really tragic seeing her like this – after all, she’s 37 now. It’s not cool to be seen staggering out of nightclubs at that age."

The source can eat my drunk fart. I still have a few years before I get to 37, but if staggering out of a nightclub (or in my case, the Sizzler that's a $10 cab ride from my apartment) isn't cool, then I never want to be cool. And Tara Reid would've never gotten full Dina Lohan if Jedward were around. Looking at Jedward makes you feel like you're jacked up on acid, so you don't need any mind numbing substances to take you higher.

Brooke Mueller went to rehab not even a week ago after she sort of kind of ate too many Adderall pills and she's already out! Brooke did the speed (Note: If you stop right there, this sentence would still be factual.) version of rehab and now she's cured. It's a miracle!

A source tells TMZ that Brooke checked into rehab for the 19th time, because she wanted to detox and get all the Adderall out of her system. Brooke wasn't looking to get actual treatment or counseling to curb her hunger for Adderall. She just wanted to dry out. Brooke is getting outpatient treatment, though, so there's that. Denise Richards was taking care of Brooke's twins, but Brooke flipped out when she wanted to take them to Charlie Sheen's Christmas party, so Brooke's mom took them. Now that she's out of rehab, the twins are back with Brooke.

I've had colds that took longer than six days to kick, but Brooke isn't going to get the Guinness World Record for the most times in rehab by staying in rehab and kicking her addiction. So I totally understand why she checked out after a week. But I need to change the subject and call out Brooke's twin boys. In the picture above, Brooke has got a boy on each arm and I'm guessing she did that so they could cover her nipples and they didn't do that! What's the point of bringing your twin boys to a Toys 'R Us event if they're not going to cover up your nips in front of the photographers? Now I have to strain my hands (not really) by using the Photoshop blur tool to blur out Brooke's nipples so your puritanical boss won't fire you for looking at nipples. And it's Brooke's twins' fault. You're fired, twins!

Over the weekend, Brooke Mueller almost slow danced with the Grim Reaper when she overdosed on some kind of bad shit. Brooke's assistant called 911 after she wouldn't wake up while passed out on her bed, and at the time she played the "I JUST HAD THE TIREDS!" card. But we all knew that she wasn't tired, because it's hard to be tired when you don't work, have a full-time nanny and a full-time assistant who will light your crack pipe so you don't have to.

Brooke is now admitting that she has a problem, but it isn't with crack, coke or Wet 'N Wild black eyeliner. Brooke has got it bad for Adderall.
TMZ says that Brooke admits that she's been eating too many Adderall pills and she just can't stop eating them. Brooke is back in rehab for the 19th time to try to kick her hunger for them. Brooke's lawyer tells TMZ in lawyer talk that bitch is an Adderallhead:

"Brooke was uncomfortable with the way Adderall was making her behave. Brooke continues her lifelong battle with drug addiction by taking these steps herself to prevent a further drug relapse."

"Brooke was uncomfortable with the way Adderall was making her behave" is really a nice way  of saying "Brooke was uncomfortable with the fact that she almost motherfucking died from eating too much Adderall." Brooke had a few drops of the sweet nectar in her body when she overdosed and she's currently on probation and isn't allowed to drink booze of any kind, so going to rehab could be a way of trying to avoid some time in the chokey. A tip for Brooke for next time: another good way to avoid spending time in the chokey is to be Lindsay Lohan. It works every time.

Yeah, being in rehab for the 19th time is nuts. But if at one point in my life I regularly sucked on Charlie Sheen's grilled sweet baby sausage dick after he blew crack smoke into my sex parts, I too would be reaching for mind-numbing substances at all hours of the day. It's a medical fact that whores who suck on Charlie's peen suffer from PTSD. Just look at that picture of Brooke above. Bitch is having a terrifying flashback.

I know, that's White Oprah's trademarked parenting technique. LAWSUIT!

Anybody who has seen an OctoMom interview isn't surprised that she's hooked on Xanax (and possibly delicious vodka), because the crazy bitch talks like her brain just exploded and all the thoughts are pouring out of her mouth hole at once. TMZ says that OctoMom traded in her addiction to IVF for an addiction to pills and now she's sitting in a Southern California rehab clinic to control her thirst for Xanax. OctoMom's rep tells TMZ that she checked into Chapman House Rehabilitation Center over the weekend and left her entire child army with 3 nannies, 2 friends and 1 driver. Those 6 tortured souls will take care of OctoMom's tribe of 14 chirruns while she's dealing with some shit for the next 30 days. OctoMom's rep said this:

"Nadya wanted to get off the Xanax she was prescribed by her doctor and learn to deal with her stress, exhaustion and anxiety with professional help with a team of doctors. Nadya wanted to deal with her issues and make sure she is the best mother she can be.”

OctoMom's rep said that the rehab clinic is taking care of the bill even though she wanted to use some of her fap porn money to pay for it.

One of Octo's former nannies, Gina B, tells Radar that Xanax isn't her only mind number of choice. Gina says that Octo regularly guzzled from a water bottle filled with vodka and cranberry juice. Gina hasn't ever seen Octo drive the child army around while she's seven kinds of plastered, but Gina has heard stories about people stopping Octo from driving drunk.

OctoMom's head is permanently pregnant with the crazy, but in her defense, if I had 14 screeching brats crawling all over me and begging for food all the time, I'd be fucked up on more than just Xanax. I don't condone shooting heroin directly into your skull, but I do condone it if you have 14 kids to take care of on a fap porn star salary. I know OctoMom did this to herself and Child Protective Services should probably just call it a day by selling all of her kids in a Going Out of Business Sale, but it's a miracle that she's still lucid enough to know that the best way to skip out on all your responsibilities is to get an addiction to Xanax so you can take an all-expenses paid VACATION! Bitch still has one sanity cell left in her brain (no, she doesn't).

Throwing hate at Justin Bieber is usually a sign of a sane mental state and a sober mind, but that's not the case for Billie Joe Armstrong. Emily the Strange's uncle who used to secretly give her sips from his bottle of Zima at family reunions is sitting his ass in rehab today after he nearly raged his black eyeliner off during the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas on Friday night. PAGING NURSE JACKIE! Green Day's rep gave the news to The Associated Press:

In a statement to The Associated Press, Green Day apologized "to those they offended at the iHeartRadio Festival" and said its set was not cut short by Clear Channel, the host of the two-day festival.

The Grammy winning band also is canceling some of its promotional appearances. It is due to release the album "Uno" on Tuesday, the follow-up to "21st Century Breakdown," released three years ago. "Uno" is the first in a trilogy of albums; the second is to be out in November, and the last in January. The band is due to kick off a nationwide tour Nov. 26 in Seattle.

Translation: Clear Channel dragged Billie Joe to a chair, pulled down his Cheap Monday jeggings and spanked him until he agreed to say it wasn't their fault.

Green Day's rep didn't say specifically why Billie Joe's in rehab, but for the sake of Maybelline's stock, I hope it's not to deal with his unhealthy addiction to eye paint. And at the bottom of a dumpster somewhere in Las Vegas, the strings on Billie Joe's broken electric guitar made a smile.