When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren't sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce's HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.
I don't know which one isn't worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.
As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce's pits, but there's no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King's freshly waxed taint (it's just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I'm sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody's Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we'll all have Beyonce to thank for it.
Beyonce's mother Tina Knowles not only has a face that looks like it only cracks a smile when it sees Ariel's voice float into her sea shell, but apparently she's also got the diva bitch charisma of a Disney villainess too. During the 2-day shoot for Beyonce's video "Best Thing I Ever Had" in Brooklyn and Westchester County, the lady of the wig manor who keeps the key to the basement tucked safely in her bosom threw around major attitude while her bread winner of a daughter was nothing but nice. You better bow down to Miss Tina and do what she says or you'll end up fighting Solange and the weave-wearing rats for the last Ritz cracker down in the basement. NYDN has the details:
According to the insider, the four assistants (count 'em!) the elder Knowles had following her around were calling her "Miss Tina" — "which sounded like a joke." But it wasn't: "The crew was told to call her 'Miss Tina' if they were to talk to her at all," our source reveals.
Her real inner prima donna was displayed on Thursday, while the "prom scene" shoot was filmed at the Brooklyn Masonic Temple near the Pratt Institute. Tina, who heads the House of Deréon fashion label with her eldest daughter, "flipped out on the camera guys for making Beyoncé stand near the [video] extras for too long" because there was too much conversation going on between takes. Apparently, Mama T was "worried" the lowly extras would talk to her darling daughter.
But it was the other way around. Beyoncé "was fine with [talking to anyone]. She was making everyone laugh."
MISS TINA?! That's the kind of nickname you give to the methed out, homeless drag queen who always tries to hit you up for cigarettes and quarters when you're hanging outside of the bar at 3 in the morning. You have to EARN that kind of nickname! I would say that they should really address Tina Knowles as MISS TAKE, but I don't mean that at all. If Tina Knowles wouldn't have been brought to the shore in a conch shell by Flotsam and Jetsam, then Basement Baby wouldn't be here and then the moths wouldn't have anybody to serenade them to sleep in the middle of the night.