Well Damn

And the universe has spoken as I'm getting flashbacks to Brit Brit's 5150 situation.

NBC New York says that the police got a call tonight about a "disorderly person" (see: Amanda Bynes) going crazy at an apartment building in Midtown. When the police showed up to the building, Amanda threw a bong out the window. They arrested her and charged her with reckless endangerment and possession of weed. Since she's current day Amanda Bynes, went crazy inside her apartment and threw a bong out the window, she was taken down to Roosevelt Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. Then they'll take her to the station to be booked.

Unless the mug shot taker wants Amanda Bynes to call them an ugly-faced, ugly, ugly hag, they should just let her take her own mug shot in a bathroom mirror with an iPhone.

And I thought she might've been trolling before, but now it looks like she isn't and it's a good thing she's finally getting some help. I mean, who throws a perfectly good bong out the window and ruins it? That alone is a good enough reason for a psychiatric evaluation.

UPDATE: Now NBC New York is saying that the doorman is the one who called the cops, because Amanda was toking up in the hallway. When the cops showed up, Amanda had already ran back up into her apartment on the 36th floor. They smelled the sweet nectar wafting out of her apartment and when she opened the door for them, she threw a bong out the window. They also charged her with tampering with evidence for throwing the bong out the window. TMZ says that when the cops arrested her, she kicked, screamed and channeled the spirit of Laura Jeanne Poon by screaming, "Don't you know who I am?" She'll spend the night in jail and face a judge tomorrow morning.

I guess having blond hair and bangs makes you a Taylor Swift impersonator, because 18-year-old British college student Xenna Kristian, who doesn't look like Taylor Swift, earns a few coins by working as a Taylor Swift impersonator. But the life of a Taylor Swift impersonator isn't easy and it's about as dangerous as being an outcast chola. Hating bitches will drag you by the hair and beat your ass.

Xenna Kristian tells the Daily Mail (via Buzzfeed) that many people have told her that she looks like Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms, so she decided to make a little money from it. Xenna works as a Swifty look-alike at corporate events, private privates and charity function. Xenna didn't say exactly what she does at those parties. I don't know if she sings, lip-synchs, hits on all the barely legal white boys in the room or just annoys the ever-loving shit out of everyone the same way the real Swifty does. Well, whatever the case may be, Xenna is making money as a Taylor Swift impersonator and some haters don't like it.

Xenna says that a few of her fellow classmates are jealous of her Taylor Swift-like beauty and one of them beat her up because of it. Xenna was sitting in class at Walford & North Shropshire College when out of nowhere, a girl pulled her out of her chair by the hair and kicked the shit out of her.

Her friends eventually stopped the fight and the beat down left her with a bruised face and possibly a broken jaw. Xenna told the police about it and says that her hater is obviously jealous of her.

"I never expected anything like this to happen. It's not nice to see people being nasty about you. Since I started being a lookalike people have been saying stuff. They must be jealous that I'm going off to do something with my life. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I still feel shaken up."

With her mother sitting next to her, Xenna talked about the beat down on camera:

Xenna was forced to cancel three bookings and if her jaw is broken, she'll be out of the look-alike game for three months.

I blame Taylor Swift for this. Like most things in life, this is all Taylor Swift's fault. If Taylor Swift never got famous, this girl would never be able to work as a Taylor Swift look-alike and she would've never gotten her ass beat. Taylor should support this girl by almost breaking her own jaw so Xenna can continue to work. It's the least she can do.

But seriously, this is all going to make much more sense when we find out that the asshole who beat up Xenna is a Justin Bieber impersonator.

The Sun's headline for this story is: "Scrape me up before you go slow." I don't know whether to laugh, cry, slow clap or slap The Sun. Not today, The Sun, not today!

Last week, the original George Michael was airlifted to a hospital in London after he got into a car accident on the M1. George was treated for cuts and bruises and released. George wasn't driving and at the time and nobody knew what happened until now. Katherine Fox tells The Sun that she saw George Michael fall out of the passenger side of a silver Range Rover that was going 70mph on the motorway. (insert your WHAM! jokes here) Katherine, who busted out an "I am concerned, but also sexy" face while posing next to her Mini Cooper for The Sun, said George fell out and bounced along the motorway. Katherine ran to George and says his clothes were ripped, his shoes were off and he had a huge cut on his forehead. Katherine went on to say:

“I asked what had gone on and was told he tried to open the car door and shut it again because it wasn’t shut properly and apparently fell out at 70mph. I was on the phone to the ambulance and said, ‘You’d better come quick. This doesn’t look good’. George was wearing a black and gold Adidas tracksuit that was ripped all down the arm and shoulder. He had no trainers on. I grabbed one from the second lane because cars were swerving to avoid it. His sunglasses were also in the road. I could hear the crunch as cars drove over them.

George didn’t say anything, he just seemed in shock. He was sitting down against a car and in the arms of his friend. The guy holding him was quite scared. He kept saying to George, ‘Are you all right mate?’ I think George was lucky he didn’t die. If he’d landed in the second lane he would have been hit by a car without a doubt. He was in the middle of the M1. I could have run him over.”

George's boyfriend Fadi Fawaz, who wasn't in the car, told The Sun that he's resting at home and is doing good.

So many damn questions. Why wasn't George wearing a seat belt? Was this a hook-up gone terribly, terribly wrong? Was Gucci Mane driving the car? I was going to ask who tries to open and shut the door on the freeway, but then I realized that the answer is obviously George Michael. Oh, George Michael. When he drives a car, bad things happens and when he just sits in a car, bad things happen. Maybe he should just take the bus from now on.

Soon, Blue Ivy Carter will look down on us regular peons both figuratively and literally. As Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter were walking to their SUV after having brunch at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn yesterday, someone was able to get a picture of the 14-month-old chosen one. They were able to take this picture right before Beyonce's bodyguards ordered them to bow down to the holy queens of the universe.

But seriously, there must be some serious kinds of growth hormones in the diamonds that Beyonce and Jay-Z feeds Blue Ivy Carter, because that is one tall one year old. Blue Ivy's line on the growth chart is above Kevin Hart's, Tommy Girl's and Ryan Seacrest's.

It must be those Timbs. Those baby Timbs are so damn heavy that they're stretching out her legs.

Source: Instagram via Bossip

Kickstarter isn't only a place for your cousin to ask for donations to produce an album for his band (and you know he spent that money on booze, weed, lube, porn and fried chicken sandwiches). Kickstarter is also a place for the creator and star of a canceled TV show to ask for money to make a movie. This morning, the creator of Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, told the fans that Warner Bros., who owns the rights to the show, would only agree to make a movie if he could prove that people wanted one. So Rob Thomas started a Kickstarter to show that fans want the movie and will pull out their wallets to get the movie made. Rob set a goal of $2 million in 30 days. Kristen Bell and the rest of the cast got into it and they reached $1 million in just four hours. They broke through their $2 million goal in under 10 hours and people are still throwing money at their asses.

Rob and Kristen weren't just holding out their Styrofoam cups and yelling at people to throw money in there. They were also giving out prizes for donations. $10 gets you a copy of the script and they were selling a speaking role in the movie for $10,000. The speaking role was gone in just a few hours. Surprisingly, Lindsay Lohan didn't use a stolen credit card to buy it. That shit was a missed opportunity if you ask me. And no, people who donate aren't going to get a cut of the profits if the movie makes money.

Rob tells EW that the entire cast is jizzing shit over this and they will start production this summer. It will be out in early 2014. Warner Bros. is supposedly going to pay for promotion and distribution and other stuff. Rob also said this:

“My mind is blown. I’ve been fantasizing about this taking big and had to tell myself, ‘Stop it, Rob, you’re being silly. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment. And now today has exceeded the wildest pipe dream I let myself entertain. Holy cow. We better make a good movie. These amazing fans have stepped up.We better deliver. I knew Veronica Mars fans were cool, but I had no idea they could rally with such power. They are unstoppable — just like Veronica. I will have a permanent blush on my face, feeling so lucky to be associated with this entire thing."

I didn't donate, because I didn't really watch the show and because I'm saving my money for the Send the Kardashians to Mars Kickstarter campaign and the Bring Back The Charmings Kickstarter campaign.

Even though raising $2 million in just 10 hours is some crazy shit, they could've raised $2 million in 10 seconds easily. All they had to do was offer a love scene with a sloth in the movie for a $2 million donation. Kristen Bell's sloth loving ass would've immediately transferred $2 million out of her checking account and into that Kickstarter account. Just like that. Boom. Done. The end!

It's always a sad day when a member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Forehead Vein goes after a fellow member.

In 2010, Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozing Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie during her stand-up act in New Jersey: “She's a home wrecker, she is. She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to. I don’t fucking believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Cause you’re a fucking cunt … you’re a fucking bitch.”

In the same year, Chelsea said this about Angie Jolie during an interview with Katie Couric for Glamour: "Yeah, I'm not a fan hers. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid. [Jennifer Aniston] makes me laugh. She's irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails."

In 2012, Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie when More asked her what her idea of a non-girl's girl is: “Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”

And on Watch What Happens Live last night, Chelsea kept stabbing at Angie's forehead vein with her own forehead vein when she said this to Andy Cohen:

"She seems like a demon. It has nothing to do with Jennifer. As a woman, I know when you see somebody walking across the room that's a bad girl. I just don't like Angelina Jolie. I don't think she's a girl's girl. I like girl's girls!"

How in the hell can drunk ass Chelsea see anything across the room when the room keeps spinning? What really impresses me about this is that Chelsea keeps coming for St. Angie time and time again and nothing happens to her. Angie's godfather God hasn't struck her down, the head of a grey goose hasn't shown up in her bed and she hasn't ripped her eyes out from reading all the insane rants the Brangeloonies send her. I guess sunning your skin until it turns into salmon leather and guzzling down more vodka than any given Lohan really does make you invincible!

via UsWeekly

When Jason Patric and Danielle Schreiber broke up in 2009 after being together for years, she asked him to give her his baby batter so that she could have a baby of her own. Jason agreed to jack it into a turkey baster as long as she agreed to not ask for child support and didn't expect him to be a part of the kid's life at all. Danielle agreed, they shook hands and he hand hugged his peen until their future child swan dove into the turkey baster. Danielle was inseminated, got knocked up, gave birth to a son and that was that until now.

Jason never saw his bio-son Gus until he and Danielle got back together in 2011. Jason became a part of Gus' life and they all went to Hawaii together as a family (see pics below). But Jason and Danielle couldn't make it work a second time and so they broke up. Jason's heart had already wrapped all the way around Gus by then, so he decided that he wanted custody of his son. Danielle let Jason visit Gus, but she wasn't looking to make it legal, so they went to court.

TMZ says that after a week of hearing both sides, the judge ruled yesterday that Jason can't claim custody of Gus, because he wasn't married to Danielle at the time and she was inseminated by a doctor. Who knows if Danielle is going to continue to let Jason see Gus after he took her ass to court.

I don't know why Jason and Danielle thought this was a good idea in the first place. Jason gladly gave his ex-girlfriend his sperm thinking that nothing dramatic was going to come out of it. Then they get back together, Jason gets close to Gus, they break up and she thinks he's going to go back to being a non-motherfucking factor in her son's life? Yeah, uh huh. If Danielle wanted sperm from a dude who would quickly disappear from her life and never contact her again, she should've saved herself a whole lot of trouble by asking my dad for some.

Today in Somerville, NJ, Amy Locane-Bovenizer, who was Sandy in the first season of Melrose Place and Allison in Cry-Baby, was sentenced to 3 years in the clink after she was convicted in November of vehicular manslaughter.

Amy's booze alcohol level was three times over the legal limit when she crashed her Chevy Tahoe into a car, killing the passenger, 60-year-old Helene Seeman. Amy could've gotten up to 10 years, but the judge reduced her sentence all the way down, because she has a 4-year-old daughter who suffers from Crohn's disease and he felt sorry for her (cut to Lindsay Lohan trolling a children's hospital to look for a girl with Crohn's disease to kidnap). When the judge gently slapped Amy down with only a 3 year sentence, the victim's family cried over the injustice and left the court room.

HuffPo says that Amy has already served 81 days in the clink, so she'll be eligible for parole in 2 1/2 years. Once she gets out of prison, her drivers license will be suspended for 5 years, she'll be on probation for 3 years and she'll have to pay thousands of dollars in fines. Before Amy's sentencing, her lawyer told the judge that her two young daughters were in a bad way while she was in prison and her 4-year-old's health was getting worse. After sentencing, Amy's mother said that she was happy that her granddaughters will have their mom back soon.

Amy apologized to Helene Seeman's family, but they didn't give three shits about what she had to say. Helen's 26-year-old son Ford told reporters that Amy's soft sentence made their suffering worse.

I was going to say that if Amy wasn't a celebrity the judge would've sentenced her to 20 years in prison and also sentenced her mom to 20 years in prison for giving birth to her, but then I remembered that the homeless lady who chases dogs in the park across the street from my apartment building probably has more fans than this bitch does. Amy's last major acting job was playing Maggie Gyllenhaal's sister in Secretary and that was over 10 years ago. I guess we know that judge's favorite Melrose Place character was fucking Sandy.