Lindsay Lohan showed up to the amfAR Gala in NYC last night and where oh where to begin...
THOSE CHEEKS! Phoebe Price better inject her farm to table cheeks with massive amounts of growth hormones, because LiLo is showing her up in the chicken cutlets department. LiLo's got a Costco chicken cutlets family pack stuffed into those cheeks.
THOSE LIPS! That lipstick color makes her lips look like two long keloids. Not that she was invited, but the only way LiLo can go to the Grammys this Sunday is if she covers the puffy labia lips on her face with a pussy pastie.
THAT WIG WEAVE THING! I'm not sure if that's an old wig, factory-defected Barbie hair from the Mattel factory or if she just pulled clumps of hair out of the drain, sprayed them down with shellac and threw that shit on her head.
THOSE SHOES! Those are the shoes that come in the amateur drag queen starter kit.
WOODY ALLEN! Creepy ass Woody Allen looks creeped out and that's an achievement since the contents of his hard drive can probably make the most seasoned FBI agent blush.
THE ENTIRE LOOK! It's very "60-something retired Italian porn star turned black widow."
With all that being said, this might be the best she's looked in months! I guess living in White Oprah's house is doing her some good. Yeah, the NYDN says that LiLo can't even afford rent at the Y, so she's moved back into her old room at White Oprah's house on Long Island. QUICK! Somebody get Albert Maysles over there, because that mess sounds like the coked up, drunk version of Grey Gardens. Grey Goose Gardens!
28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin's second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina's husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife "a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig" in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.
People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can't wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.
You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I'd like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria's veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando's widow:
Congratulations to Alec's colorist for getting it RIGHT!
The scent of burnt turtle anus and melted plastic eyeglass frames was in the air yesterday when Mia Farrow re-tweeted the third-degree burn Ronan Farrow dropped on his dad Woody Allen. This shit is more awkward than the Father's Day lap dance Courtney Stodden gave to Doug Hutchison.
There you were thinking that your relationship with your biological father is so damn dysfunctional that instead of sending him a card yesterday, you sent him an invoice for all the booze you sucked down throughout the year to deal with all your daddy issues. Ronan has you beat! Ronan Farrow is like the smartest person alive, graduated from college at 15, works with UNICEF, inherited more Mia genes than Woody genes and he can drop kick some shade for days. I would say I'm in love, but I don't know if I can fall in love with a dude whose full name is Satchel Ronan O'Sullivan Farrow.
And here's a few pictures of Satchel's brother-in-law hanging out with Soon-Yi and their two daughters in Beverly Hills the other day. I don't if it's the creepy look on Woody's face or the "Bitch, you're going to die" shank eye the Heather Matarazzo-looking one is throwing at us, but these pictures make me want to scream for an adult.
On Saturday night in NYC, Lindsay Lohan squeezed herself through the window of the bathroom in Phillipe restaurant, texted the paparazzi with her exact coordinates, crawled on the floor through the dining room while snatching tips off of tables, got up and then walked out the front door right behind Woody Allen so it looks like they just had dinner together. And that's how a shameless, fame-eating attention whore does it!
No, TMZ says that Woody and his grown child bride Soon-Yi had dinner with LiLo, because they've been friends for years and he stood by her ass while most hos hated on her for being the messy tornado of coke she is. LiLo isn't on PedoBear's radar and Soon-Yi isn't her mother, so we don't have to worry about her and Woody replacing Kim and Kanye as the stroll's most vomit-inducing couple. So you can Magic Erase that image in your head of a dehydrated turtle nibbling on a freckled syphilis sore. But some source (born name: Donata Sullivan) says that LiLo and Woody have been talking about possibly working together in the future. That sentence right there is the only evidence Woody Allen's doctor needs to officially diagnose him as fucking senile. But then again, I would like to see a cracked out version of Play It Again, Sam called Play It Again, SamRo.