In Case You Care About What Kind Of Food Things Jessica Simpson Puts In Her Mouth All Day
Here's WhatsHisName (the "B" on his hat stands for Bellboy Bitch) following his Truvia Mama (she's off sugar this week) Jessica Simpson as she makes her way through LAX last night and tries to stop gossiping whores from talking about what's hiding behind that floral muumuu by mesmerizing them with her vitamin D-filled chichi balls. Chestica is back in L.A. after spending a few days in NYC talking about her weight, talking about her weight, talking about her weight and testing out the new Spanx designed by NASA.
This generation's Kirstie Alley continued to give Weight Watchers their money's worth by telling UsWeekly exactly how she lost over 40 pounds in 4 months. Chestica did it like this:
7am - Jessica gets up, sticks one end of a straw over her nipple, sticks the other end in Maxwell's mouth and safely feeds her baby without worrying about baby suffocating in her gigantic titty domes. She then eats half a Flatout flatbread sandwich with egg whites, peppers and fat-free cheddar (6 PointsPlus) for breakfast.
8am - Jessica straps on her pedometer (not to be confused with human pedometer Chris Hansen) and goes for a walk with her piece and Maxwell. Jessica tries to walk at least 14,000 steps a day. A snack of berries, bananas or grapefruit (0 PointsPlus) goes into Jessica's mouth afterward.
11am - Four days a week, Jessica works with a personal trainer and does cardio and some weight-training stuff (aka lifts and drops her 2 ton boob balls a dozen times) for 45 minutes.
12:30pm - If it's Wednesday, Jessica weighs in with her mom and friends. If Jessica is wearing a skirt or dress during weigh in, she has to kick Papa Joe's head off the scale before she steps on it.
1pm - Jessica eats her biggest meal of the day. No, I'm talking about her piece's peen, because you know that's not a big meal. It's probably like 1 PointPlus IF THAT. Jessica eats lunch, which is usually spinach salad with 4 ounces of chicken satay and pear (8 PointsPlus).
2pm - Jessica takes Maxwell for another walk or walks on the treadmill. Jessica sucks down a berry smoothie (3 PointsPlus) afterward.
6:30pm - She puts Maxwell to bed and then eats a dinner of: fish (4 ounces of halibut or tilapia) with roasted eggplant, broccoli or asparagus (6 PointsPlus). And for dessert? Skinny Cow chocolate truffle bars (3 PointsPlus).
10pm - Jessica gives her paid piece his daily allowance, pulls down her bed comforter, screams at Papa Joe to take his drunk ass home and then she goes mimi times.
You know, I was going to write my own daily routine, but there's not much to it. I get up, fill the trough next to my laptop with coffee, Totino's pizza rolls, a variety of cookies, Carnation Instant Breakfast powder and Easy Mac. Then I stick my head in there while I type the word "fuck" over and over again. I get my exercise by walking to the refrigerator and opening it to see if anything new popped in there since the last time I checked (5 minutes ago).
And not only is Chestica losing chunk from Weight Watchers, but she's also learning how to count! A double win.
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How about a size 8 or 10?? Nope.
Ok so she's 3 months postpartum and not a size 0? Oh gasp! You mean she's like one of us "normal" women??
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
Oh goodie goodie gumdrops, more Simpson losing weight news. I was so concerned for a moment that we would all be left in the dark on her progress....
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Worrying is using your imagination
to create something you don’t want.
when a post comes out about someones weight loss or eating habits, all of the dietary geniuses come out with it. seriously, if your plan is so fucking brilliant you should win a nobel prize for curing obesity. until then, quit looking like an asshole. i dont know what it is about food that drives people to act like nutty fundie christians. you don't need to save the world, just save yourself. different foods react differently on different people. id go into it, but then id seem like everything i just described and really, im not into writing blog-post-length comments here.
jess here needs to put her boobs away already. we've all seen them, been seeing them for years. nothing has changed.
also this: "and then she goes mimi times." mk im wondering if you meant nini, but i dont care, im going to start using mimi times.
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"It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists." MK
Submitted by greeneggs on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:06pm.
"Sometimes I have found with myself I hold on to the weight when I'm working out like crazy and not eating enough calories. Just a thought..."
Same here, Greeneggs. I can get by on very small amounts of food without feeling faint and still work out a lot. With the same caloric intake other people would probably lose a ton of weight, not me. My body went in FU mode a long time ago.
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Who are you calling silly cow?
If I am ever in a burning building I hope Jess is walking past so that I may land on her massive chichis!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Thanks GG! :)
Jessica has a gorgeous face.
Some people may think WW is too slow, but if one wants to be successful for the long term, it must be gradual and steady. The weight wasn't put on in 3 months, so one shouldn't expect it to disappear overnight.
I gather Papa Joe picked out her chichi-baring outfit.
lislop, yes!!!!! What you said.
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Submitted by Classof1997 on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 5:31pm.
I think it's refreshing to see a celebrity who has a "real" body, who isn't posing in a bikini a week after giving birth. Kudos to Jessica.
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"real body"??? Why because she's still overweight after porking out and gaining 80 lbs.
I'm not about to enable her irresponsible behavior. Pregnancy is a time when a woman should be eating healthiest. It's not normal to yo-yo diet. It's obvious she has major issues with food.
Obesity is not genetic. Not every one is meant to be a size 2 or 4 (who cares?) but what about an 8 or a 10 if you're 5'4"?? Obesity rates have gone up,
because people began eating out more, eating more processed food, and not leading an active lifestyle ( especially in the digital age). The fact that rates have gone up, shows it's a lifestyle and diet change. It CANNOT be blamed on genetics.
Why? Did someone really inquire? Can't
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“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” —Carl Sagan (RIP C.Hitchens, Winehouse, Houston, MCA, Dillon, Armstrong) *caprica six was/is here*
Has anybody mentioned how Jessica and Brit-Brit are sharing the same boyfriend? Damn, those guys look just alike! How many Sam from Merlotte's are out there anyway? Geez......
Oh Dave, Sans Fards, Bambam, fewer calories in and more exercise does work. There are exceptions, but it's a good start. If you can manage homemade and avoid processed you'll feel a lot better too. A good trick is to try for portions about the size of your fist. ;p
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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tig ole bitties!!!!
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"Oh, let me see if there's any fucks stuck under
my nails. Nope. Fresh out of fucks."
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 8:29pm.
Me too on the high cholesterol. Oatmeal for breakfast daily and garlic/onions/shallots/leeks in my meals. You can drop 10-15 points over six months like that. It works.
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
Her tits are ridiculous, the bag is atrocious, and why the fuck is she wearing that turquoise jewelry with that wintertime muumuu?
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
oh dave, I found that I lost a good deal of weight pretty easily once I started cooking for myself. I control the amount of fat and sugar, and I can use olive oil instead of butter and make other substitutions. Combined with a regular exercise regimen, I lost 20 lbs from my H.S./college days. I enjoy cooking and inventing new dishes, so it's no hard task for me. I have been diagnosed with high cholesterol though (runs in the family) so now I have to talk to the doc and see how to nip that in the bud.
But that said, what works perfectly fine for me might not work for others....It's not as simple as eating less calories and working out more. Tackling the obesity crisis is going to take a sea change in the whole way we eat. And I wouldn't be surprised if researchers announced one day that obesity had a genetic component to it.
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SANTO DIOS! PRAISE HAY-SOOS CREASE-TOE!
Jessica's fine. Yall can make fun, but she's making more cash than most of us poor hoes will see in a lifetime. And she's not even trying that hard to lose the weight. Starving she ain't.
Looking at her supposed regimen though I wonder, first of all, if she's even following it, and second, if she is, she's going to be so deprived once this deal is over that she'll probably gain a lot of the weight back. Have any of you guys ever tried weight watchers? To me it looks so bland. I had a friend try WW after she gave birth, but it didn't work for her because after eating her weight watchers meal, she'd eat a whole other REAL meal. Lol. It didn't look very satisfying.
Submitted by FreakGeek on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 1:29pm.
As someone who's tried WW, it takes too damn long, especially if you have a ton of weight to lose. She's not exercising with enough intensity for a long enough time period. Walking doesn't do crap because your heart rate isn't high enough - I started out walking & the weight didn't really start to come off until I started mixing jogging/sprinting with the walking.
You sound grossly misinformed. First of all, you should lose weight slowly. No more than 1-2 lbs per week is recommended. Secondly, you do not need to work out for hours on end. You should be able to get the job done in no more than 5-6 hours a week. And lastly, to say that walking doesn't do crap IS a bunch of crap. Walking is one of the best ways to exercise. If you walk fast enough or at an incline your heart rate will respond accordingly. Besides, most weight loss comes from diet changes. You can exercise all you want and still not lose weight if your diet is crap. So don't say (with a false sense of authority) that WW doesn't work just because you didn't do what you needed to do. You just sound insecure.
Is that even 1300 cals a day? Aren't you supposed to eat more to exercise?? With her regime it's only like 909 cal retained. Not healthy for long term.
Or the "B" on his hat could be for Batboy Bitch! hahaah
CNGAF what Chestica eats but LOL on your post MK!
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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@ oh dave-----VERY WELL SAID!!!!!!
Amazing how obsessed people are with one woman's weight. Did it occur to anyone that this a complete non-issue that affects no one except Jessica and WW? If it weren't for Michael K's twisted writing, I wouldn't have clicked on this "story."
She looks healthy, and I know the men are salivating over the boobs. Good for her. I was pleasantly surprised that she didn't pull an Oprah moment and reveal a skinny body after so short a time. I was a little confused that the WW commercial only showed head shots though.
Is Michael K. eligible for a Peabody Award? Because seriously, he deserves one.
I think it's refreshing to see a celebrity who has a "real" body, who isn't posing in a bikini a week after giving birth. Kudos to Jessica.
The problem is she's walking and doing "some weight training." Honestly, 20 non-stop minutes of heavy weight training 3x weekly would MELT the pounds off, AND allow her to eat REAL real food. It would do wonders for her whole body, her sleep, her metabolism, her cardiac endurance, her posture. The best shape I was ever in was when I did the "super slow" method of heavy weight training. I've never been so strong, slept so well, or had such fantastic metabolism.
i cant even imagine working out with those things on my chest. I think she should consider a reduction, I know I would.
I've gone keto and it's the best thing i've ever done.
She is annoying.
God bless her--she's totally hiding behind that purse. She has it every time she is in public. It is certainly big enough.
"Don't look at the chi-chis, don't look at the chi-chis, dear god don't look at the chi-chis" - said the fellow in the tie. Bless him.
--thanks awfully--
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 1:23pm.
And what is it with everyone HAVING to have dessert every night? JFC! I can see endulging every once in a while, but every night????????
Is this just my inner ano speaking or am I seeing something wrong with having dessert EVERY night?
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only time dessert was served in my house was holidays/birthdays. I don't get it either.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Who wants to eat fat-free cheddar and skinny cow brand deserts? LEARN NOT TO EAT CHEESE, you stupid has-been. Learn that you don't need to eat ice cream at all.
You don't need diet drinks. You can drink juice or water. You don't need low-fat anything because it tastes horrible. It's not satisfying. It's a waste. If I want a cookie I eat a cookie of the type I like, but I rarely eat a cookie. Change your eating habits and eat natural, organic food. It gives you energy and it's not sugar energy, you're actually building yourself up instead of wearing yourself out. Instead of eating low-fat processed crap masquerading as food, eat a salad or something.
If I had the money she has to have a chef make roasted peppers and eggplant and everything good I can think of, I would murder the person that tried to feed me skinny cow toxic who knows what it is "ice cream."
Also, some people look great thin and some look horrible. We all have a body type we gravitate to. It's not that you should give up and decide you were meant to gain 20 pounds a year until you can't get out of bed, but you have to be realistic. Not everyone is meant to be thin genetically, though anyone can be thin. It just won't look good on some people.
You should think about what you eat if you actually care. If you don't then have another Taco Bell dorito shell taco and shut up about your weight. Overweight people that always say they are going to lose weight or are on a diet only draw attention to their insecurity. Be who you are and if they don't like it, you won't even know because you'll be busy doing your own thing.
I'm lucky because after years of having to watch my weight I drastically changed my eating habits. I never buy bread or cheese or chips. I mostly eat vegetables, beans, eggs, potatoes, simple cheap food that I cook myself. It took a while to get in the habit of making dinner instead of making a sandwich, but I will never have to wear my "fat clothes" again and I like being thin.
Sorry for the rant but anyone that is eating weight watchers is insane, in my opinion.
http://burning-plastic.tumblr.com/
I know there are some trainers on here. Is she eating enough, considering she's breastfeeding and working out? This is a serious question! Sometimes I have found with myself I hold on to the weight when I'm working out like crazy and not eating enough calories. Just a thought...
Side note, wow her boobs are ENORMOUS. It seems terribly uncomfortable.
It also doesn't help that she's wearing a moo-moo from Mrs. Roper's closet.
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
This bitch really has it easy. She porks out during her pregnancy and then SHE GETS PAID to lose the chunk!
Did anyone see her on "Katie"??? Her spanx were so damn tight and she was sucking her gut so far in that she could barely walk!
Sorry to be a bitch, but this is what she gets for letting herself go during pregnancy. It's fine to indulge in food, but balance it out by exercising. And don't give me that 'there are no bras for my boobs' bullshit. You can still cardio on the eliptical without the bouncing of running. (Can you tell I'm a personal trainer?)
Yes, she's human and it's only been four months (*snort* probably more like 6) since Maxi Pad was born, but don't fucking lie and expect people to believe it.
RANT OUT.
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 1:23pm.
And what is it with everyone HAVING to have dessert every night? JFC! I can see endulging every once in a while, but every night????????
Is this just my inner ano speaking or am I seeing something wrong with having dessert EVERY night?
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STFU!!!!!!!!! DESSERTIST!!!!!!!!!! REPORTED!!!!!!!
*licks batter off hands*
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Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.
Whamo lmfao...that was cute. My son would have said something like that. Hahaha
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Puhleez! 14,000 steps translates into walking roughly 6 miles or so on a DAILY basis. Then she does another 45 minutes of cardio 4 times a week? Yeah....EVERY woman has nearly 2 -3 hours a day to devote to excercising. Weight watchers should be embarassed that she admits to the amount of excercise while on their program!
Lol @ mimi times. : D
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The poster formerly known as SnowOwl, formerly known as Nightowl!
As Miss Ann and Rande, point out, if you're doing the actual child care, plus BFing, you lose the weight rather quickly (provided you didn't over-gain).
My second and third kids LIVED in the Bjorn. I did EVERYTHING with that kid hanging off my front: vaccuming, grocery shopping, making meals, etc.
Of course, that's real people stuff that no one with money would bother doing. They'd rather do Soul Cycle and complain about the help.
Submitted by Das ist ein Dreck on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 1:12pm.
*points finger* Haha girl you fatty fatty fat fatso and your muumuu is a circus tent, a-hahaha.
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You're mom is a circus tent!
Submitted by bambam on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 2:09pm.
Gawd, I have had it up to here with all the boob hate going on in here. I don't even know who you people are. Bunch of big boob bigots.
*grabs collection of Juggs magazines, stomps off to the bathroom*
This!!! I needed a big laugh! Thank you. And I will try to be more tolerant.
There is no way she is following that diet and exercise plan. She's still huge. And it would be fine for her to still be huge if she were a normal woman, but she's not. She's a millionaire who doesn't have a 9-5.
I read where she said she'd never been prego before (duh) so she didn't realize she couldn't go overboard over eating. Really? I know she's the dumbest bitch on the planet, but really? Women in this day and age know better than to sit around and eat cake throughout their pregnancy. Perhaps it has been a lot easier for other celebs to lose the baby weight quickly because they tried to stay moderately healthy during pregnancy?
Ewwwww, Loopy!
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Gawd, I have had it up to here with all the boob hate going on in here. I don't even know who you people are. Bunch of big boob bigots.
*grabs collection of Juggs magazines, stomps off to the bathroom*
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You can't be pregnant. That rape was legitimate.
ESE...Lol.
Jack I like your diet plan best. :)
www.poopreport.com :)
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Ahahahahaha Bam Bam! <3.
No hate for bigguns, cause I have them too. Just not THAT big!! I have a hard time with mine hitting me in my face if I jog, so I don't know what in the hell she does with hers when she walks. Maybe Papa Joe rides piggyback and holds them for her like a human bra??? Lol
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS