Richard Simmons Serving You Dementia-Stricken Drag Queen As Poison Ivy

I LURVE this crazy old lady. Richard Simmons looks like the time Nana got cast as sultry villainess Poison Ivy in the home’s production of Batman & Robin. Mother Nature and Uma Thurman can punch out early, because Richard Simmons’ Poison Ivy poses are burning Beverly Hills to the GROUND. He even accessorized with butterflies like a true woodland diva does it.

Auntie Richie blends so well into those bushes with his costume camoflauge magic. Imagine you’re going down to the shrubs to get a blowie (old gays still do this – we call them cock zombies), and THAT pops out at you with a “HEELLLOOOO BATMAN!” and offering to pull down his tights? Scared straight!

And he has so many faces and emotions. He’s giving you “Am I at the right bus stop?” “Ooh, is that the Gallagher’s new poolboy?” “Thinking about the nighttime.” and “A locked ward don’t mean SHIT to POISON IVY.” Never change, Richard.

Check out more pics of the utterly flawless Richard Simmons and his green finery.

RDJ Pissed In Jars And Left Them Around To Annoy David Fincher

Director David Fincher claims that Robert Downey Jr.’s entitled ass would leave jars of his urine around the set of Zodiac as a protest against working overtime. You would think IN THIS ECONOMY, RDJ would appreciate the work. Then again, I’m assuming he doesn’t punch a time clock. Fucking movie stars.

Fincher makes this claim in an interview in Keanu Reeves’ new documentary about the film industry, Side By Side. Was everyone interviewed on a park bench or sitting on a curb in Los Angeles feeling glum? I’d totally watch cinematic treasure Martin Scorcese speaking with Sad Keanu beside a trash can.

In RDJ’s defense, Fincher is known to be a notorious perfectionist who tends to terrorize his actors by doing 250 takes of a single scene. Imagine what he’s like when his Vulcan girlfriend doesn’t bounce on the D correctly? “AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!” “But you came…” “I DON’T CARE! IT MUST BE PERFECTION!” No wonder her eyebrows keep falling off.

Also, it’s completely possible RDJ was pissing himself out of fear and luckily he had containers around. They never caught The Zodiac. Supposedly the guy who did it is no longer with us, but still. Did you see that movie? You’re sunning yourself with your beehived girlfriend beside a deserted lake and some guy in a homemade Ku Klux Klan/ninja ensemble comes lumbering up to stab you? No one wants to receive a crazy letter with a code and bloodstains in the mail. RDJ was probably Howard Hughes-ing cuz’ he didn’t want to go to the bathroom alone.

Bret Easton Ellis Has Another Issue

What’s HER problem? It’s disappointing that the guy partially responsible for one of the greatest scenes in the history of cinema (” that’s ‘Bone’.”) seems like he’s a bizarre twat looking to suck a cock filled with “attention”.

Bret Easton Ellis made a grab at relevancy this week by bitching about openly gay actor Matt Bomer possibly playing the lead in the film adaption of Ma’s Pussy Is Soaked (i.e. Fifty Shades of Gray). When bitches got on his shit about it, he retorted by…complaining about CBS’ sitcom line-up. What?

From Digital Spy:

“Feel complicated about Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother – central joke being that he’s a gay actor playing a… womaniser,” he wrote.

“And please don’t get me started on the gay The Big Bang Theory – I’m too tired to go there,”

You know when you get home from a bar or a party, and you’re so drunk your face is falling off but it’s not time to pass out yet because you have to eat a cold can of Chef-Boy-R-Dee? And you entertain yourself while eating your Chef-Boy-R-Dee by watching shitty television or web-surfing ridiculous shit (“WHO WILL PLAY CHRISTIAN GREY?”) and then something annoys your drunk ass and there’s no drunk safety locks on any of your technology? That’s what I think is happening here with ole’ Bret. It’s been a long time since his literary wunderkind who wroteThe Rules Of Attraction days, he likes his vino, and Neil Patrick Harris is a blameless victim!

At least he took it to Twitter, and not a public park. Get well soon, Gitte.

He also took some shots at Modern Family. This persnickety bitch better watch out. If Sofia Vergara‘s beachballs in the back don’t crush him, Cunt Queen/Fairground Stripper Hater and NPH bestie Elton John will.

CBS sitcoms do kinda suck.

Open Post & Programming Note: Hosted By Marilyn Manson

You’re probably reading these words while pulling your panties up and wiping your musky down low parts with the bottom of your shirt. Because as soon as the head picture for this post came up, you immediately rubbed your genitals on your computer monitor until you almost got electrocuted. The word “fuck” written with a Sharpie on Marilyn Manson’s mouth compelled you to do so. You actually shouldn’t be reading this right now, because you should be down at the free clinic (FYI: They open at 10am on the weekends) getting treated for ink poisoning and a new kind of gonorrhea that is only transmitted through pixels.

Marilyn Manson, who looks like he just ate the dreams of a thousand obese children, shuffled through LAX yesterday with his piece Lindsay Usich and he threatened all the paps with a good time by scribbling the words “fuck you” on his mound of flour-dusted pie dough face. Lindsay Lohan is so going to sue his powdery ass for copyright infringement. In case you’re wondering, the words “fuck you” written in marker on a face translates into “look at me looook at me oh god look at me fuck me with your attention please just loooook at me” in real talk.

And on that note, I’m taking another quick trip this summer and might not be around as much for the next few days. While I’m off suckling on a 12 oz. Corona on top of a hotel room bedspread as I suction my brain to non-stop Olympic coverage, my partners in blog foolery, J. Harvey and Sweetas (THE RETURN OF SWEETAS!!!) will be here planting seeds of fuckery. I’ll be back full-time on Tuesday if I don’t get arrested at JFK’s TSA checkpoint for committing acts of buffoonery by getting make-up ideas from Marilyn Manson and scribbling the words “fuck you” on my face (it’s tempting). They have WiFi at Gitmo, right?

Hot Slut Of The Day!

Nastina, the cuntified widow spider who is always trying to kill the innocent and pure flower angels of the Rose Petal Palace. On Earth day of this year, I paid homage to the delicate beauties of Rose Petal Palace who are so damn gay that they make Clay Aiken’s honey-flavored butt queens seem butch. But now it’s time we pay homage to Nastina who has exquisite eyebrows that look grasshopper legs dipped in Lucifer’s black blood, ears that are shaped like bananas (or like an extra pointy peen), a uni-eyelash and lips like a frowning Lana Del Rey. Wiki says that like most 1980s villains, Nastina doesn’t ever give a reason for why she wants to stomp the Rose Petal Palace beauties into powder and snort them up. Nastina is just a bitch to be a bitch. That’s my kind of bitch.

This bitch is like the original Ursula. This bitch is also like Xtina’s sexier, hotter and more beautiful sister. Screw getting dirrty, it’s all about getting nassty. I mean, can Xtina give four hand jobs once? Xtina wishes.

Birthday Sluts

Chris Hemsworth (29)
Asher Roth (27)
Chris Kelly of Kriss Kross (34)
Will Friedle (36)
Ben Gibbard (36)
Carolyn Murphy (39)
Anna Gunn (44)
Joe Rogan (45)
Viola Davis (47)
Embeth Davidtz (47)
Miguel A. Nunez Jr. (48)
David Henry Hwang (55)
Joe Jackson (the British one) (58)
Hulk Hogan (59)

Steve Wozniak (62)

Eric Carmen (63)
Ian McDiarmid (68)
John Gorrie (80)
Arlene Dahl (87)